To Spandex or Not To Spandex?

It's an age old question, I'm pretty sure.  Not one I ever expected to be confronted with.  But, by and by, I was!

It's kind of a funny story when I think about it.  My first experience with bikers in tights was impressed upon me by Kim.  In our early 20's he would roll up on a road cyclist in his shit box of a vehicle and holler, "Gear Queer!"  Yeah, you heard me.  I didn't pretty it up.  He'd shake his fist and beat his chest.  He was a BMXer through and through...argh!  I watched several transactions take place before asking, "What difference does it make if someone rides a BMX bike; mountain bike or road bike?"  "At least they're riding." I said.
I'll never forget his reaction: the way his head snapped around to look at me, or, the expression on his face.  The one that say's, "You are kidding me."  Not, "Are you kidding me?"  There is a whole world of difference between the two.  As if speaking to a child, he explains, "They wear tights."  Duh!  Since we both have short attention spans we quickly wandered off subject.  But, I never forgot that exchange.

You will never be able to imagine my satisfaction so many years later when he started getting into cross country mountain biking and road cycling.  In the over all scheme of things, it's a pretty natural progression.  Only so many people can ride BMX forever.  That's when you decide you love "riding," period.  You adjust but you don't quit.  I couldn't resist, therefor, to remind him of his past transgressions and ask him, "How do you like it?"  I really did enjoy rubbing his face in it.

Once he got into road cycling, it was over.  Spandex was no joke.  Right, wrong or indifferent, joking around about your tights was not funny.  And, Kim calmly explained to me, they are a necessary evil.  So, being the sensitive soul that I am, I busted his ass every chance I got.  When Kim and Mully would go out for a century I would call them ladies or homo's.  Sometimes, I would refer to them as girls.  Kim started to get pissed but what could he really say?  It's not cool now because it's me?  Kim is a lot of things but he's not a hypocrite.  He sucked it up and I laughed myself silly!

What I didn't realize was Kim's brilliant plan for revenge.  He bought me a cheap road bike and gave me a shitty whooped ass pair of spandex.  I was not stoked on this but I was curious to ride the bike.  So, I decided I didn't need the shorts in order to ride the bike.  I'd rather go without than look gay.  When I insisted on standing by my decision he just shook his head and said, "You'll see."

Six miles was my total that first day.  My bike was as heavy as a tank.  I wrecked at the first red light I came to because I couldn't unclip and I had a serious case of monkey butt.  Needless to say, I now wear spandex religiously.  I hate them.  I can't live without them.  All I can say is that is seems to be a common dilemma.  In the end, you discover that your pride can take the blow.  You suck it up.  Then the day comes when you are talking to a new rider and they tell you, "I'm not wearing the tights."  And you shake your head and say, "You'll see."

There is a moral to the story...

Wednesday was a day like any other day.  Kimbo had decided to ride his bicycle to work and I got the car to run errands.  Around 4 p.m. I get a distress call to retrieve him at his place of employment.  Apparently, he had stepped off a ladder and tweaked his knee.  Because it was bothering him he did not want to ride his bike home and possibly mess it up further.  Anyone knowing Kim, knows that the only thing holding his little bird legs together is bailing twine and bubble gum.  So, I toss the kids in the car and set out for Dryden.  Upon arrival, I offer to put his bike in the car but was instructed to leave it behind.  In a hurry to get home, I didn't think twice about it.

Thursday morning I agree to give Kim a ride to work.  I had a date to spend the day with two of my favorite ladies; Sara Diamond and Robin Nash.  The plan was to drop Kim off; pick up Sara, and proceed to Interlaken for the day's festivities.  Little did I know what was shortly in store for me.

Despite the chill and gloomy appearance, I was excited to get my day started.  I had my shit together and everything was on schedule.  I dare say I was a bit giddy!  As Kim and I began our journey, we joked and laughed at any number of stupid things.  Oh, yes!  It was to be a good day!

Still chuckling and being stupid, we spot a plethora of turkeys grazing in a nearby cornfield.  Kim says to me jokingly, "Hahahaha, drive straight through that field and hit those turkeys!"
I reply, "Hahahahaha, don't be stupid!"  "Look!  One is running out to the road to meet us!"  And, sure enough, one was!

We watched the big ass bird crossed the field till it got to the ditch where we saw him slow down.  What we didn't see was the turkey in the ditch who got scared by his buddy.  He leaps out of the ditch as if he's going to take off but couldn't quite decide which way he wanted to go.  That's when Kim says, "Hahahaha, hit 'em!"  At that exact moment the stupid bird chooses to fly straight into the windshield!  Smash!  In my astonishment I quickly pull over to assess the damage done to my vehicle.  I look at Kim to gauge his reaction to this event and he must have been holding his breath because the next thing he screams is, "FUCK!"  I, myself, didn't even know how to react.  On the one hand, I wanted to laugh my ass off.  But, on the other hand, my windshield was totalled! 

So, I did the only thing I could think of and kept my mouth shut.  I suppose this was a good thing because Kim was standing in the middle of the road waving his hands and repeatedly screaming, "What the fuck?"  I realized then that he didn't see the humor in the situation.  I, personally, felt like karma had just kicked me in the ass!  See?  That's what you get for all the joking around!  Who's laughing now?

Meanwhile, Kim starts looking up and down the road for the bird we thought we had pulverized.  Needless to say, the whole turkey herd had disappeared without a trace while he was screaming and shouting.  Even the dead turkey managed to drag himself out of the line of fire. With no trophy to be found, he plucks a few stray feathers out of the windshield and promptly says to me, "Fuck, I can't even ride my bike to work!"



And that, my friends, is the real moral of this story.  Not, fooling comes to crying or watch what you say, but... don't EVER leave your bicycle behind!